无聊烟花地FIREWORKs' PLACE: life

更新

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 07:07:39 GMT

学生生涯的最后一个暑假即将接近尾声。70%的时候都在家渡过，实属难得。看了10本左右的书，并且还不忘学习英语，实属可贵。回想下过去的两个暑假，大一暑假被拉了当大运会的不自愿的志愿者，排练跳舞唱歌的节目，8月尾去了趟北京，收获的是皮肤变差（因为天天熬夜）以及很多莫名其妙的所谓独立音乐跟不知所谓的愤青思想。大二暑假充满了奇遇，不过也是大部分时间在学校渡过，不回家的原因是回家后就不能外出做爱做的事情了，那个暑假奢侈糜烂，陪伴左右的就只有男人跟电脑。收获的是mh的演出，见识了竹签般的cock，一堆巧克力，香水。

这个暑假，终于成了穷光蛋了。于是就回家避暑。偶尔有些闲钱，也会出去走走，花完继续在家里噌吃噌喝。中间当然发生过一些事情，但年岁渐长，为人跟为文（即便这里写的都不算是“文”）都多少有了顾忌，所以不想透露过多了。

日子还是一样的过，只是我要毕业了。对我来说，毕业最可惜不过的就是失去“学生”身份。我真的很喜欢说i am a college student，以示自己还没有遭到社会污染，还青春纯洁动人。学生，多少会是个让人没有戒心的角色吧。即将开学的时候，收到消息，说因为我们宿舍少了一个人，因为要被拆分。同住三年的两个室友，都分在不同的宿舍。通告我消息的室友很气氛也很不舍，我也适度表达了我的不满。但是已经是最后一年了，呆在宿舍里的日子还有多少呢？跟谁住也许都是差不多的吧。而且我的独行侠性格也影响了室友，以致我们宿舍始跟那些大家庭般温暖的宿舍不同。这也许是个很大的遗憾吧，但对我来说，独行才是自由舒服的啊。

孤独是人的本质，也是我的本性吧。有段时间回校，把自己锁在寝室里，几天都可以不出来，光是看书听歌就足以满足我的交流需求。只是夜夜都失眠的心烦意乱，要下床随手抓本书，甚至抓起一份报纸就看，看累了就到阳台看夜空，几颗星模糊在天边，唯一的慰藉是松湖上空飞过的飞机，天亮了才重回床上休息。夜里还总会灵感迸发，可总是来不及写下来。恩，学校的电脑坏了的缘故。

一直以为婚姻离自己很远。但是身边有两个朋友都打算年底结婚，而我老妈也居然在暑假再次提议我相亲。天啊，我连爱情都没有尝过呢，尽管偶尔也有结婚的念头，但那毕竟只是玩笑啊。再说我真结婚的话，那婚姻对我来说也可以是玩笑啊。对于一个早就在心里解构了婚姻的意义的人，要紧的只是提升精神境界，抗击将来可以伴随单身而来的孤独感吧。当然，学修电脑通水管这些是避免不了的了。当然，更重要的一点是，这个鼓吹自由主义的年代，在政治上无法自由的中国，我们纷纷尝试着恋爱自由身体解放出轨无罪。街上都是荷尔蒙的味道，我这个小时候读言情小说长大的人没有意料到今天的自己会是这样的不浪漫不痴情不贞洁，而当初那个自以为观念前卫的我，也没有意料到今天会切身体会到“前卫”带来的责任缺失，无法安定的痛苦跟无奈。一旦开始怀疑，就不再坚信了，这条路无法回头。越来越会调情了，却越来越难以投入爱情了。

因此，最近一直都看些跟道家思想较接近的东西，比如庄子，比如叔本华。要不就是一些宏大的形而上命题，比如生存的困惑，人往何处（说穿了就是哲学啦），尽管不想那些太现实的东西。把心底的激情全部扼杀，获得了外表的平静与淡然，伴随而来的就是汲取知识的愉悦。

至于欲望，这是可以调节并且适度解决的东西。

愿大家都好啊，有空出来玩哦~

更新毕。

熱

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:45:26 GMT

經常覺得周圍的一切會突然爆炸

做怪夢

老感覺肚子里有個孩子“而且還長出了指甲”

長的單詞都記不住

看書，包括小說，時尚雜志，哲學，都會走神

過馬路會幻想自己被車撞到飛起，然後落地，身亡

吃雪糕與冷飲的速度很快

享受生活里的無限可能性以及未來的一切不確定

午夜會突然爬起來上豆瓣

熱。

Update for Leroy

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:35:34 GMT

HEY,guys.it seems a long time i havent update my space.And Leroy thought what i worte is funny ,i am happy .so i update it for him .
　　thats it.
　　ok ,anybody wanna know some news of mine?
　　i am gonna have dinner with a tall cute yankee at THU.
　　and i gonna go out with another tall cute young chinese man at weeken .
　　and ,there r many dates waiting for me .the only thing i care about is i seems gotta broke....totally .
　　did everyone wanna know more?
　　i became a single ,smart ,sweet woman in Children's day .Its so cool and a bit hurt.
　　but ,who care .caz now i got cute guys and he fucked a virgin and got a relationship like crap which taste like cream but still crap .
　　well ,cute guys wont stay with me for a long time ,but this crap will bother him for his long life!
　　so i become a freak but i am happy !
　　i gonna write fitions do some reading and learn english this summer holiday .
　　just one thing ........can someone else buy me some condoms???

这个世界依然让我不安

Fri, 02 May 2008 13:52:53 GMT

LA @还要经多少放任和宽恕 2008-05-02 13:55:56

疑惧，不安，永远追随着我，无论我跑得有多快，做得有多好。
因此我不要想太多了。
我要戒掉垃圾食品
我要吃新鲜的蔬菜
我要好好学习天天向上嫁个有钱人

run run run !!!

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:58:51 GMT

面對生活與學習大大小小的壓力。我只想逃跑。腦袋什么都裝不下。

后天的考試，完全是裸考。連自己的準考證號碼都不知道～

明天打算抱抱佛腳。。。

學年論文？不想了。作業？不做了。

只想好好歇一歇。我被折騰的快要瘋掉了。

另外：

戒掉香腸類垃圾食品。

不亂花錢。（總是說要找個本子幾張。一直沒有做到。）

开学第一天

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 15:25:34 GMT

没有穿bra。

一天7节课让我感觉很累。月经让我腰酸，拉筋让我腿疼。

心很累。对一切都感到厌倦。

撑得太久了。一天比一天没有耐受力。

我要歇一会，才开始我的新学期。

shopping

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 17:33:33 GMT

Today i went to shopping in afternoon.cause i am so happy for one phonesex.

I bought some clothes and a pair of shoes.its so pity for that i cant offer the fee of two beautiful high heel shoes.

oh my god,they r sooooo pretty.i even not try them cause the fucking high price.

i thought i enjoy my simple poor life.but stand before the high heel shoes,i just want to be a rich and buy them immediately!!

anyway ,forget that.i aways look forward to something i cant pay for. luxury goods r so good,but when i have not enough money ,i wont mind to use a faker or some pretty cheaper .i am a fucking lazy girl who dont want to think of the money all the time.i never do part time job in my school life.caz i think its helpless for my wonderful life.sometimes i have a 25 rmb breakfast ,and sometimes i have to eat 3.5 rmb bread for lunch caz my money run out.haha,its my life.

Too tired to write more .my life become a bit silly caz i date no one for a long time.so quiet.i even forget what the man's dick look like.everyday i get up in lunchtime ,and sit before my computer all day.yup,yup,yup it sucks.but i like that.i am the only one in my dorm ,i can enjoy the music i like .and ,the most important thing is ,i know someone there for me.maybe its a long way to get him.but i am fighting now.fight against my fear,my oversensitive my desire .i admit thats not a easy for me a lazy person.but i wont give up caz i love him.

i want to sleep with him ,and stay by his side,always.

Verfuehrung der liebe

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:17:08 GMT

Its so cold in yeaterday.and i get cold today.sucks.

i read some articls written by a girl,she is not so pretty as the pop stars.but she's awesome.i want to share some thinking ,but its too cold to write that now ,so maybe i will finish it tomorrow.i found that i always found of the girls not so pretty.They r special ,and have their own life style .i saw myself through their life.yup .i want to be that kind of girls ,they live for theirself,they come and go ,never stay in one place.they r sensitive but so strong. they dont have pretty face but a beatiful soul.i will be one of them.at least i will try.

i dont want to take sick.but this time i think i got an incurable disease.it calls "LOVE".Nothing can cure that.i just wait for the day i die.

Baby,would you join me in death?

冷

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 15:33:58 GMT

广东的天气实在诡异的很，前几天热得连棉被都不想盖了，今天冷得想穿棉袄。昨晚妈妈打电话来问我什么时候回家。其实很早就放假了，只是不想回去。于是撒谎还有事情忙。

混混沌沌，不知道自己在想什么。在qq或msn上碰见聊sex的人会感到恶心。突然觉得自己07年的生活有点对不起自己。可这又怎样呢，爱情太伤人，我以为自己再也不会碰这东西了。性也不是自己想要的。只是莫名其妙就投入进去了，就像莫名其妙有了自己的第一次一般。冲动的射手，鲁妄的射手，不顾一切的射手，经常自诩是个成熟的现代女性，实质上这些年来从没有改变。

冷得头脑不清了。想写Masturbation is a lonely work.但结果只写了一句，so i never do that.

回想一下两年多的大学生活，觉得自己很失败。很少参与集体活动，很少朋友，很少回忆。更多的时候是自己一个人在看书听音乐，安静地上网。然后，是偶尔的约会，做一些成年人做的事情。难怪有人觉得我是一个geek，直到07年，情况才好了那么一点。说穿了还是想要自由。不愿意跟太多的人打交道，不愿意制造复杂的关系，偶尔的说说笑笑还可以，但要真的进入我的生活，却很难。似乎无意中让人觉得我有种不可侵犯之感。生活圈里没有觅到知音好友，网络上也大多数是没有见过的泛泛之交。实际上lisa是一个很寂寞很闷骚的人。

i just like the way i waste my life.

或者出来工作后会好一点吧。只是这种外表活泼实质孤僻的性格好像伴随我好多年了。自己对此也无能为力。射手天生具备的幽默感其实只是因为他们天生愤世嫉俗而已。

现实里的我很好，沽名钓誉换来了一点同学的跟老师的赞扬。特立独行但是人缘不错。不漂亮但是没有遭受过歧视。

网络上也似乎不错。畅所欲言，总是性致勃勃，没有人捧也没有人骂。还可以自由地爆粗口，搭讪（现实也爱搭讪，丑人多作怪啊），鄙视中世纪的卫道士。大谈自己的性欲与艳遇。

只是这些都不是我。真正的我是那个洗澡的时候脱光了衣服抚摸自己的躯体感到自卑惶惑孤独的人。一路上跌跌撞撞却没有人告诉我该怎么走。在家是最老的姐姐导致只懂去爱，不习惯被疼爱，母性过分强大的后果就是至今都不知道如何做好被爱的角色。高中自闭过一段时间导致对人对事总是神色漠然。初恋失败后立志改变自己，于是变得灵牙俐齿能言会道，实际上只有自己才清楚自己是个笨拙的有点呆的家伙。不喜欢跟生活在身边的人太熟，所以对宿舍的人保持心灵上的距离。永远只有在一个人的时候才感到自在。总是爱错人，被人错爱。明知道性会带来伤害却还要做。每次失败都疯了的往自己身上找原因，是我不够好不够坚强不够漂亮不能给他安全感，永远是我的错。

自卑，对生活对未来对自己的责任感到迷惘惶惑，孤独，从小学起便觉得孤独（这个被老师称为少年维特的烦恼），这个才是我。只有洗澡的时候才能脱下所有外衣的我。活着真累，跟有没有人理解无关，生活太异己与累人。倾诉有时候也无补于事。整天思考各种宏大的微小的形而上形而下的命题也不见得生命会焕发意义。才疏学浅但又不甘心做个平凡女子。好累，真他妈累。

陷入爱情让我很不安。作为一个对爱情冷嘲热讽的人，对爱得投入的自己感到很不放心。很爱很爱他，或者狠爱狠爱他。只是心里还有很多东西不敢告诉他。明白自己很坚定很认真，带着期望，但不知道上帝会把我引领到哪里。一个桃源还是一个堪比以前的绝境。只能对自己说无论如何都要坚强，因为爱他，所以要给自己足够的安全感，要自己坚强起来。

上帝，赐给我镇定和沉着，让我接受不可改变的事情；上帝赐给我勇气和力量，让我改变我有能力改变的事情；上帝赐给我智慧，让我去分辨哪些事情是我有能力改变的，哪些事情是我无法改变的。

happy new year

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 15:56:07 GMT

happy new year,everyone !

its a happy moment .

its a sad moment.

period.

a CUTE guy and a CUTE gift

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 03:03:22 GMT

I should update last night,but i am so tired of the cte6 and cute things,so go to sleep early.

yesterday seems not so bad.cause i got 2cute things.

all people in china knows that cet6 exam hold in yesterday.i am the one of the students who join that.

but when i sit on my chair.i saw a cuuuuuuuute guy just there !he is one of the proctors~!

ok,so who care the cet shit?a cuuuute guy ,a cute guy i never have chance to say hi !

now i copy the post from gaozhouzi :

2007-12-22 17:51:18 　　来自: LisA JuPiTeR (东莞)
i cant focus on my exam cause a fucking cute foreign guy there!!!!!!
　　i just wrote the answers casually ,and after the fucking exam ,i had a conversation with the cute guy.
　　"you r so cute,i met u sometimes in campus ,but have no guts to say hi to you .and i totally crush on you when i saw you first time ."
　　he smiled and said i can get his email address and chat with him on msn.
　　i am fucking happy now !!!the cutest guy in our school!
　　ohohohohoh
　　what can i do ????

see !its me ,a girl who not shy as many chinese if the guy cute enough.i am good at size the chance.

anyway ,i knowed something about him from my friends.he has a gf and will be get marry next year.

ok,forget that ,i am trying to be good and i just want to make friends with him .

but second cute thing is .....secret ,haha ,period .

Today is my birthday

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:55:27 GMT

Today is my birthday .

period.

too naive too young too simple

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 05:04:45 GMT

in a monthy period ,i become more sensitive than ordinarily.

too many weird dreams too many fantasies.

i feel like someone to count on but it's hopeless.

cause everyone is so far for me.

weeken is the most lonely time if without a date .

i spend all the day on listening "my chemical romance"

they r gonna have a show in HK.

i have missed LInkinpark's ,now i will miss their.

sucksss.

"i dont love you "is so moved to me.really a sad song.

everything ,including this post under the sun is silly

except this song

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

darling ,i miss you .

Christmas is coming soon

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 13:44:56 GMT

8:20pm Sunday, Dec 2 | Edit Note | Delete
To be honest,i am so fear of the day.many sad stories happened in this day in the pass years on my life.
Many years ago,a guy broke up with me in christmas .i felt so sad.and cried on the street.many people looked at me .its a shame time.but i cant control my self.cause i totally lost in my sadness.i cant even walk on the street,tears cover my face.i did many things for him,like a slave to him,devoted my soul and all my love .I should not be treat like that.Its the saddest time in my life.i will never forget the poor girl.she's so weak in emotion.she's pure,and believe in love and beauty.but from that time ,she deny everything and dault this world.( a kinda like hamlet)she become me.this freak .i spend many yrs to get through that.in those fucking yrs,i still love him and try to pleasrue him.everytime i thought of him or listened to the blue love songs,my face will bathed in tears.well,it's a nightmare for me.i feel so lucky that i can get through it.
The second sad story is not so sad.i broke with a guy i didnt love anymore.he seems not so care that. i never met him from that time .last yr,he send me a message told me he didnt have a gf.maybe cause the summer is so hot that people dont want to stay by one's side?
The third Christmas story is horrible.last yr,in the eve ,many friend send some shity wishes to me.they cant made me happy ,just remind me i am a loness sigle girl.so i went to playgroup in my campus with some cans of beer.at last i got drunk alone.and i put the rest of beer drench from the top of my head.haha,couples in the playgroup r so suprise. i felt so cool to do that!but i paid a heavy price :i have to went to see doc for my skin allergy and wash all my covers in my bed.
now the fucking day is coming soon.i still get NO one to stay with me on that day.what can i do???

强迫症以及其他。

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 14:24:28 GMT

今天费了一整天，看了一个有意思的人的博客。一页一页地看，一直看到最后一篇。我无法理解自己为什么放下一大堆的论文跟作业去做这样的一件浪费青春的事情。看完以后我开始长吁短叹为什么别人可以在博客里码那么多有意义的文字，而我却只能默默记录自己短促的生活琐碎？为什么别人可以看一大堆书然后写一大堆感想而我只能感性地总结一下有意思还是没有意思。我就像哈姆莱特一样开始怀疑起自己生活的意义。我的时间都用在哪里了？

答案是浪费在大量的点击鼠标中。

今天在高桌子发帖子。才发现原来很多人都质疑我写的是不是事实，我是不是一个只说不做的人。开始觉得惊讶，我写的都蛮写实的啊为什么会遭到质疑呢？接着我想了一套尝试作辩解用的说辞，想告诉别人，这真的就是我的生活。但又顿悟在这个时候无论如何辩解，那些文字都只能成为别人作行为分析跟心理分析的文本。毫无意义。最后我决定回看自己的旧帖，找出自己的“风格”（此词是引用别人的话：我对你的风格还是挺了解的）。

得出的结果是我真的应该好好反省自己。人果然是无法克服自己的弱点的。我无法否认自己的虚荣跟自卑。我也愧对那么温存地对待过自己的男人。他们成了我对自己的炫耀。我整天唠叨的谦虚品格其实自己一点都没有做到。我真真讨厌那时候写帖子的自己。尽管我清楚知道自己的目的其实是为了让人吃醋。我心底的自卑跟缺乏安全感总是让我需要通过这样一种方式确认别人在喜欢我。

虚荣是原罪。无法避免。自卑一直是我不幸的根源。懒惰是我最要命的缺点。

我的确需要到教堂忏悔。

其实人都是多面而且复杂的。实在不好解释我是个怎样的人。我经常觉得网络里现实里的我都不是真实的我，只有赤身裸体的时候我才最真实。所以没有见过我裸体的人都不算见到过真正的我。

I am not Happy

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 02:54:41 GMT

I just miss a guy he never miss me ~!Damn it ~!!!!!!!

should i said 'never mind " cause he just treat me like a common friend ...ok ,i ,i ,just treat him like a sex parter.....and he has a girl friend...and i still love KEN~

WEll,do u feel cool?Miss a man and then u have sex with another man ~haha

Fine ,I am fine .I don't care how the song which wrtten by Ken wonderful ,i don't care how he care for me,i care everything but Ken ....Right?

ok ,it's very happy to be a single .I enjoy this life without a man ......very free,very .........

shit ,i need someone to hold .

can u do me a favor,just stay with me in the Christmas Eve?????

原文写于2006-12-18 00:30

THIS WEEK

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 04:57:05 GMT

The weather is gettin colder and colder in GUang Dong ,China. I became
very busy.Some homework about Marxist philosophy，the drama，the
CET4,the examination....drive me mad~~bother with all the classes in
this college....i want to do some reading ,shoping ,or go for a walk,
listen to some songs ...damn it! i can do nothing i like but the
endless homework !!!!!!
right now i'm struggling with my essays which due next tuesday,maybe i
need a Prince save me from the hell..

BTW, it is difficult to write an artical in English.I just feel that I
don't have enough words to express my thoughts and I have no idea to
develop a paragraph.