无聊烟花地FIREWORKs' PLACE: thinking

不合时宜的思想

Wed, 14 May 2008 11:06:40 GMT

太多的信息汹涌而至
这次的地震，我所了解的东西
对比过往的任何一次天灾人祸都要多
以致我精神有崩溃的倾向
我感到心脏跳动得不太正常，呼吸急促，不能安然入眠
才仅仅两天，哲学+地震，让我思想无比的混乱
命如草芥，那活着意义何在？
周一的时候，他的电话让我感到有了爱情的人生是多么美好
这个世界上，有个你可以日夜牵挂的而并非命运强加的经过自由选择的不是亲人胜似亲人的爱人是多么奇妙多么圆满的事情。爱情，是多么应该作为一种信仰，至死不渝的信仰。（注：对爱情的忠诚，并非对固定的爱人的忠诚）
周二的时候，沉重感袭来。逃遁在书本里。几小时后，回到屏幕前，立刻感到难以呼吸。迫切地需要安抚。临睡前打电话跟人家说晚安。试图抚慰自己。完全没用。一直在床上翻来覆去。脑海里都是乱七八糟的想法。有那么几分钟，绝望得放佛被压在断垣残壁下的是我。我拿着手机，却不知道要跟谁说我睡不着。我想明天我不能再看新闻了。我想我周末一定要回家见见爸爸妈妈。我想我以后要多看书要理智点不要太易感了我想……
今天，下午没课的我坐在电脑前。只感到更加混乱。虚无，虚无，无效，无意义，虚无……这些词语翻腾在我的脆弱的神经里。祈祷，祈福，真主，上帝……我偏不。宗教都是自欺。也许我们还活着的人都在自欺。没有什么能救赎我们。爱情，性，良心，信仰……肉体的脆弱让这些冠冕堂皇的形而上的理由都没有意义。那么死去是否会得到安详——不，并不。存在导致痛苦，肉身的毁灭是否意味着绝对的不存在？没有人知道。如果在死后我们还能继续梦想，如果死了以后还有某种东西存在。那么死也不能摆脱存在的痛苦、不安、以及恐惧。
想到这些，更绝望了。
其实我应该满怀希望，支持赈灾，充满干劲，捐钱献血，可以的话，更应该出谋划策，帮助政府。我还应该难过悲伤，为那些被猝不及防的意外夺去生命的，有血有肉有痛感的人。或者我还应该为他们祈福，表明我是个善良的孩子，对生命充满悲悯。
可让我眼里夺眶而出的却是这种虚无感，无力感。对爱情对人生，我徘徊在怀疑与敌视间。
i am useless,indeed.

安全感以及其他

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 06:39:05 GMT

引用豆瓣上的一段文字：

2008-01-19 09:40:59 黑白关刀

　　根据精神分析理论，有一些女人没有安全感，是因为家庭的原因。
　　
　　一些在童年的时候，被父母打骂的时候，会产生我很无能的感觉。
　　每次做一件事情，都被责备的时候，会有一种习得性的无助。
　　就会凡事逃避，怕再被批评，怕受伤害。
　　
　　有的是因为家里人重男轻女的做法，挫伤了信心。
　　产生了女人就是不如男人，太弱小的感觉。
　　
　　这种女人长大后会有两个方向：
　　一个是把自己封闭起来，不让任何人进入内心，以为这样没有人可以伤害到自己了。可是这样会让自己很孤独。
　　一个是尽力找人爱自己，并且抓住任何爱自己的人，如果对方因为被束缚太紧逃走，就更加深了自己的不安全感。
　　
　　关键问题是治疗好自己的心理伤痕。

-------------------------------

回看n年前的日记的时候，发现自己从高二那年起就开始思考自己性格的形成与家庭的关系。不可置疑的，家庭对一个人的性格形成有着决定性的影响。决定性，意味着一旦形成，便不可扭转。数年来，无时无刻在反省自己，甚至遁入宗教，依然摆脱不了幼年时家庭不和造成的阴霾。即使现在家庭和睦，我依然不喜欢我的家，因此从不想家，并且一直渴望摆脱家庭的束缚，追寻自己想要的生活。感情上，我深爱我家庭的每个成员，父亲母亲妹妹弟弟。他们比别的任何人都重要。但那充其量不过是一种血缘上的关系导致心理的亲昵。这样说似乎冷酷。但本是如此。对我来说，亲情是一种无法选择无法脱离的血缘关系，这是命运强加给你的，我只能接受。

这几年来，改变不小。或者从高中开始住校生活的时候，我就在不断地被生活，被环境，被我遇到的男人，被网络改造着。但心底那些隐秘的负面情感，却丝毫没有消除过。那些童年形成的“特质”，就像你的基因一样，即便是成年了，无论走到哪里，你都得带着它。这些无法被克服的缺点总是让陷入矛盾的我痛苦万分。时时刻刻在反省批判自己却无补于事。我猜想它们已经聚成了铜墙铁壁，坚不可摧，会随着我到生命的最后一刻。

透过引用的话，我更明白自己的安全感不够并非来自不顺利的恋爱，而是来自家庭。而造成的两种看起来相反的影响在我身上同时存在。一方面隔绝了自己，另一方面却渴望被疼爱。在恋爱中，原来我不是跟情敌作战，不是跟男人较量，而是努力在战胜自己。自己跟自己固有的特质对峙冲突是一件让人难受的事情。家庭基因，比那些由文化，社会，教育形成的基因要顽固得多。也许，它们只能“被认识”，而无法“被克服”。

因此，我厌恶家庭厌恶婚姻厌恶孩子。这种厌恶源自我没有足够的信心去经营好家庭维护好婚姻教育好一个孩子。能找到一个相伴的人固然是美好，没有的话就一个人吧。承受孤独总比承受一段恶劣的关系要容易。

恩，近来写的东西太大白话了。唉。。。。。。。。。

a loooooong letter worth reading

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 14:57:05 GMT

dear cute goat:

How r you today ??a jazz bar?its so cool! did they played the free jazz?i like jazz :-)really hope that i were stay by yourside and enjoy the jazz and then walking together.i like dark night.i am a night person.and dark make me have more inspiration to write something.

Today i did something make sense with my friend.we went out of school and shoping . i took a liking to a couples of high-heeled shoes, ( they r white and beautiful) ,and some clothes. and one perfume.but i didnt buy them.cause i bought a pot of peanut oil.do you think its a stupid choice??

It s a bit of expensive.but it really worth that.would you wait for me to finish this long story?

Today ,i want to interview an old barber who is own a old barbershop(the shop maybe 40yrs old) .there r many old tools for hairdressing .i can sure you never know that and see that.cause now we r not use that anymore.so we want to know more about the old hairstyle and old tools(special chair or something)but ,really sad.the barber not in the mood of accepting our interview.he refuse us so strict.we have to give up that.

And then we just walk around ,and found that its the oldest street in DaLang.(a town in dongguan).we took some pics ,and think about what can do .cause our homework is about some old shops ,buildings in dongguan.we choose the barbershop but fail,lucky ,we found that a old building with hanging a board" dalang pure peanut oil ".we r interst in that.

We came in .only two people inside,we ask them could we do a interview for them ,and they r suprise and say yes(we r so glad!!!!!~).a man ,who is 58.and have been worked there for more than 10 yrs, showed us around . thats an old factory,maybe we should call it a big room.two floors.it was opened in 1952.there is people's commune in that period .everything is public ownership.so it belongs to all country people.the machines r so old and humble,maybe they r not even can be called machine ,cause many parts still need man's operation.the man show us how they work and how the peanut become oil.its not so complicated to do ,but hard to say. i can show you some pics about that if you interest in.

"We factory is so great in this town ,everybody know that.we supply the best peanuts oil for the people and pay much tax for the gov.In the past yrs,we r not rich.how we town build the road and many things?all depend on this factory.we make the best oil ,sell to many places.and give the gov money.u know gov never pay people .we feed them ,and then they make sure us can live in a peace place.the buildings ,the roads ,all the money made by the people who work."the man in middle age said."but now we cant run it anymore,cause time is change.this factory made a big contribution and feed many people in the past.now the manmade oil is not update,yep ,its good,it smells so good,and so pure ,better than any another oil made by modern machine,but prime cost is higher than that.so seldom peole buy it ,only some old customers had known it for many yrs will buy that.we have to close this factory in the end of DEC.so u r so lucy to find here.i really miss the past ,people all r so nice ,and honset.we can sleep without the door closing. we all have the spirir of collectivism ,so we can carry on this factory.now the society is so bad .many crimes happen in every day.people is morally degenerate ,everyone is so selfish.that y we not recondition this factory and run it .people change ,not so unite like before .it will be a losing proposition.anyway ,time is change,this place used to be so thrive,it made some tons of oil everyday .help the gov much ,but now it run out of the luck.so it is on the wane.like a person ,sometimes he is lucky ,sometimes he get bad luck.thats fate.nothing last forever.not only the manufacturing,even people's mind ,they r all developing.no one can stop.you girls ,remember one thing.'dont blind faith of the future.just seize now'.'just today ,no tomorrow'.u should relish this words."( in my point of view,this words maybe have two means.one is every one can only live in today ,past had passed ,and tomorrow is not come yet.this factory did well in his past .but now it have to been close ,it have to ,thats the fact we have to face.the second mean ,is ,i guess.its shine upon the culture revolution.the Communist Party promise a pretty communistic society future to the people.but they just make the country in a mess.so we should not believe the fairy tale of the future.just do the best in today.the future only live in the image which cant be proved false ,cause when it arrive ,it means pass in the same time.未来是无法证伪的，只能活在想像中，当它到来，便意味着过去。）

He talk to us so much,my friends around me ask many questions and they totally agree with the man's words.but maybe i have seen too many things ,and know too much similar things have happen.i acted a bit cool.i just stand to hear.and seldom say things.the words in special type r my thinking.i can understand his sigh with emotion.He have worked here more than 10yrs ,and he know every customers much.and know this factory well.now he is old ,and factory need to be closed.everything change.i think ,everyone can write a book of history in his old age .we r all eyewitness of our life history. including the man in 58.he said he is reading sutra and that make he realize manythings.now he doesnt care the death.cause thats destined.but people should not do anything thing which have to hide in the dark.the heaven will punish what u did ,even you just have that bad idea.

I am wondering why the people often become a men who believe religion when they grow old.especially some people who always think of the life and fate .it prove the words i had know for some yrs:only love and religion can save people.Juses save ,Buddha save ,people cant save by ownself. to be an agnostic, i have to say that,i cant deny or agree with that maybe something which dominate our fate.but onething is sure ,there r some parts of this mysterious universe would never could be reached by the rational of human being. so there is nothing can solve the predicament of human spirit. 作为一个不可知论者，我不敢肯定或否认是否有东西在主宰我们的命运，但有一点是确定的，宇宙万物中有些东西是人类的理性永远都无法到达的。没有任何东西可以解决人类的精神困境。we have to dead and dont know when ,we feel hollow cause everything seems make no sense.our fate is so different ,why this things come??no one can give us an answer .so some people have to find something to believe ,find a faith to make himself feel better ,not like a rootless tree. religion is the one of the ways. but ,to me ,a women a bit near nihilist,i dont buy that .love ,friendship ,kindred,even the religion ,they r so beautiful ,and comfort us sometimes.but they r just some placebo,not a way can totally solve the predicament .it still there ,trouble us ,no matter past ,or the future ,we face the same thing.

is it too long for you and you feel so bore?its not all about our topic of study.but all is my outlook on life. it cost me some hours to write:-(i found that my english suckssssss.but do i like a philosopher? always think of something etaphysical.i really want to be a philosopher,but its hard to do that in china,if some day i tell you i am doing a shity job for making money ,plz dont laugh at me :-(everyone need to get life.

anyway,u can know more about my mind ~~~~~the chinese is the meaning of english .i just translate that.

yours

naughty tiger.

無題

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 15:17:53 GMT

佛家把嗔恨看作生命的毒素，是心靈中最渾濁最骯臟的東西，怨怒被稱為無名之火。一個本來清白的心靈，一旦為這種毒素所中，就意味著被無盡的痛苦和煩惱鎖覆蓋，生活在黑暗之中，與清凈靈明的愉悅無緣，得不到解脫，因此，仇恨對仇恨者來說是最大的傷害，歹毒是對歹毒者最大的懲罰。圣者為了避免被仇怨毒害和玷污心靈，寧可讓出自己的生體。